Here’s some honesty for you…
I just got a few bits of bad news today, and I’m not working through it well. This is making me realize something:
I’m not doing a good job at dealing with this cancer treatment.
Then I get slapped with bad news, and I am really not equipped for bad news right now.
The thing is, one of the side effects of this treatment is depression, so I’m not sure how much of what I’m currently feeling is me and how much is cancer (I have a feeling it’s all cancer. I’m never like this.). I don’t think I’ve ever been this upset or struggled this much emotionally before, but right now I’m really circling the drain emotionally and physically and it’s just hard. It’s too hard for me to balance everything I’m balancing and try to deal with treatment the way I should be. Then again, maybe this is just a bad day…
I’m about mid-treatment right now. I keep telling myself, “It’s almost over. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel.” But when I run my hands through my hair and chunks fall out, or I can hardly move because my body aches so much, or I can’t remember things that I’ve never had a problem remembering before – it’s hard to keep that in mind. It’s also hard to keep upbeat when I feel so horrible all the time – like I’m barely human. Then I get bad news, and my already sick, struggling self just spirals.
I’ll be fine. I just need to take some time and get my head on straight. I know this is all my cancer speaking, but right now it’s hard to differentiate between cancer and me, if that makes sense.
I’ll be back in top shape by the time this is over, I know I will be. I’m not naturally like this, so I know it’s the treatment speaking, it’s just so damn hard and it’s making me wonder how much I can trust my “critical” opinion about books and etc right now, which isn’t fair to authors. Plus, I struggle with writing reviews when I feel like this because A) I’m so amazingly exhausted it’s hard to think and B) My memory is suffering so I forget what I’m saying halfway through a sentence and it takes forever to get back on track.
The good news is, I’m reading a ton (it’s distracting me from myself). I’m also writing reviews but not posting them (re: I don’t trust my opinions right now). I’ll probably start posting them occasionally on my ‘good’ days. Right now, however, I think I need to figure out how to deal with myself because I haven’t ever felt like this before, and I’m not handling it well. I’m going to take some time and see if I can get myself back on track.
I’ll be back when I get here. Hopefully not too long. I hope this passes soon. Maybe I’m just having a bad week. It happens.
Anyway, thanks for dealing with me.
P.s. this is a perfect example of my synapsis not firing right. This post is redundant and poorly written but for the life of me I can’t figure out why or how to fix it.
12 Responses
Take your time, do what you need to do for yourself – and don’t feel bad about. Right now your health and well-being is far more important than books or reviews. Books, authors, the internet, and your fans will still be here when you are feeling better and decide that it’s right for you to return. Until then, best wishes for your good health!!
Rock this treatment and come back all fired up. We’re all rooting for you!
Sarah –
Don’t feel bad, and please do take care. I’m sure the whole thing sucks more than you can express, and I know I can’t possibly know what you’re going through, but you’re almost there. Just a little bit more…
Sending you a big, big hug. Get some rest – we’ll all be here when you get back. 🙂
– Reese
Oh, Sarah, don’t be so hard on yourself. I’m sure I can’t really understand what you’re going thru, but I do know one thing: this too shall pass. You will get through this. I hope you can feel the support we have for you.
Enjoy reading and take care of yourself!
You’re not doing a good job dealing with the cancer treatment? THAT is the cancer speaking. I’m in awe of the way you’re handling this treatment. If it were me, I’d probably be curled up in a ball in a corner somewhere throwing shoes at anyone who dared to venture within eyesight. Hang in there and know that we all have your back. Stay strong!
I appreciate that. I am struggling. My moods are all over the place. I try to remember that the moods are “cancer speaking” but sometimes it’s hard.
Anyway, thanks for that. I appreciate it.
This post is also honest and heartfelt. Take what time you need and go kick some ass.
You constantly amaze me with how well you are coping with the hand that life has dealt you. Like Dan J. says, I doubt that I could cope with what you have gone through and are going through now with so much strength and dignity. Concentrate on your health and we will still be here when you feel ready to write again. Take care and allow yourself to take a break from the pressure of trying to entertain us with your writing! 🙂
Be kind to yourself – goodness knows mother nature isn’t. Taking time to let it all soak in and wash away is hard to do, but so necessary. There is no “right” way to get through this – just doing the best you can at any given moment. Some of those moments are going to suck, and it’s okay if you don’t always feel like you can meet them head on with shield and sword at the ready :). Best wishes for continued strength and successful with your treatment!!!
Rest up, enjoy your reading and know it isnt who you truly are. Treat yourself to something that makes you smile X
🙁